I feel weird. I can't describe what it is because I dont know. I know that it's an uneasy feeling that has something to do with being lonely for everyone in SA and my roommates. But it's more than that.
I'm sitting here and watching a Bowflex commercial. Besides the level of ridiculousness that this commercial far exceeds, I just feel upset with the amount of frivolous things surrounding me as I'm back in the U.S. And I'm guilty of it too.. when I go back to my place tonight, I'll be back to my nice TV, a couple computers, more dvds than I can count and more clothes than I even want to wear. Doesn't matter if I bought them with my own money that I earned. It's too much, and what does it really do for me? Not a whole lot, that's what.
I don't want to hear about certain things anymore. I don't want to hear about how much money you make or how many cars you own. I dont want to hear about whatever diet you are on that's working so well. I dont want to hear about those tiny little inconveniences that made your day 'so terrible.' And I definately don't want to hear about how much money you had to pay to fill the tank on your SUV. On and on. My level of interest to these topics was pretty low before I left, and it's only gotten exponentially lower over the last 3 weeks.
But beyond this, I'm nervous to go back to campus. I stayed at my moms yesterday and today and she's been amazing, just like I knew she would. But talking to some friends, I know that not a lot of them read this blog. They have even less of a clue how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking than those of you who are reading this now. How do I explain to them why I don't want to do a certain thing or why I dont want them to crack a certain joke around me or why I fundamentally disagree with their opinion? I have a lot of friends who I know are a lot less willing to deal with my changes than my family is. They wont understand and I wouldn't be surprised if some of them are unwilling to take the time to understand. I think coming home will hit me 50 times harder when I'm back on campus and have to explain my actions to the people who expect me to come back to them the same person I left as.
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Erin,
I think its important to recongize how materialistic our world is, but at the same time I think there is a blurry line that marks the border of what we need and what is excess. When I got back from Tanzania I struggled a lot with this. I felt terrible when I would buy a DVD or something trivial like that. But then I realized that even the people in Tanzania that I met who lived in poverty had some budget for trivial things. For example, I concluded that, if my friend Ibrahim could spend money on going to the internet cafe and e mailing me then I suppose it would also be OK for me to spend a portion of my budget on entertainment as well.
Know that it's not money that will change anything. You can throw as much money as you want at a problem and it wont necessarily go away.
The knowledge you now have and the disgust we all feel is real, and we should embrace our feelings, but challenge yourself to take these thoughts on materialism one step further. We can't immediatley change things that are outside of our internal locus of control, but the beauty of the situation is that we CAN change ourselves. And, by changing ourselves we can begin to inspire others to change as well.
Given your feelings it seems like this process has already started, putting you a thousand steps ahead of everyone who hasn't seen the footprint of poverty. Just don't sell yourself short or give up because of your frustrations. If you really change yourself, you will inherit great power to inspire change in others. And, if you ask me, that's really what it's all about.
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